Have you ever really looked at a fairy Tale? You know behind the words on a page or the fancy pictures. Looking beyond the colorful movements and catchy sing-songs of a movie. To the real stories within your popular fairy tale lore. I have and I have seen things that no man should ever bare witness to. Stories that would thaw out Walt Disney’s body, turn him over in his freezer proof zip-lock baggy, and then re-freeze him without sealing it all the way up, allowing his body to get a bad case of freezer-burn, making him no good to eat. Just plain horrible things.
Let’s travel back to King Arthur’s time, to a time of chivalry, camaraderie, dragons, wizards, witches, and magic. To a time of love, honor, and glory. To a time of backstabbing, deception, lying, murder, whores, and a creepy old guy with obsessions with boys. That’s right, it wasn’t a time of all things wonderful, that you might see in the movies or read in a book. King Arthur was full of angst from being picked on as a squire. That when he rose to power he became hungry for power, destroying everyone that stood in his way.
It probably didn’t help that he was probably fondled like a catholic alter boy by Merlin, that old creepishly perverted “wizard” that mentored Arthur while he was growing up. Yeah I said wizard in parentheses, so what… you seriously think he’s a real wizard? He was just some guy who was good with parlor tricks, that eventually through the telephone game… that game where you send a message around in a circle… he became this almighty wizard, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, guy. What a crock of shit! I bet he did stuff like pulled a gold piece out from behind someone’s ear, or the old “look my thumb comes apart” trick… he was a fucking birthday party magician!
And then there is Sir Lance-o-lot, what a shmuck! Guy goes around thinking he’s God’s gift to being a knight, just because he can sword fight? Whoopty Dooo! So can Braveheart! Doesn’t make him awesome… or real! The dudes name is Lance-o-lot, or whatever, I mean come on… tell me that guy didn’t get made fun of going through puberty. If I was in his school I’d yank his pants around his ankles and kick him in his ass, and start calling him Pants-a-lot… this guy probably had to transfer providences when he got older, to get away from all the dumb nicknames he had. Maybe that’s why he was always whoring with the ladies, making up for lost time or something. Seemed to work on Guinevere.
Talk about you classic fairy tale whore… seriously Guinn, couldn’t keep it in your pants? Nope, she just couldn’t resist the temptation of Pants-a-lot. Like most women, Guinn wasn’t satisfied with the guy who treated her like a queen. She needed some guy who was a complete pompous asshole, so he could treat her like shit and make her feel like the dirty whore she was. Sure sounds like a lot of people I know. How funny would it have been if King Arthur was suspecting Guinevere of cheating on him with Pants-a-lot, and decided to go on Cheaters to spy on her and try to catch her in the act. That would’ve been so funny.
But the story of Camelot is just the tip of the iceberg, most of the story is rooted in actual “history”… yes again with the parentheses. Maybe you should take a look and delve deeper into the dwellings of some of our beloved Disney Classics.
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