Wanted: The Not-Me Ghost

For crimes committed against the world. He is responsible for: all things gone awry, for any bad things that have ever happened, for constantly getting children in trouble, for the fall of Rome, and for the election of George Bush. He should be considered armed and dangerous, if seen please seek professional help or medication. He was last seen that time when you were 3 years old and tried to cut our own hair and ended up looking like Britney Spears, that time you were 8 and you got blamed for setting the cat’s tail on fire when you were actually trying to save poor fluffy, and that time when you were in middle school and got in trouble for touching the hot teacher’s butt; it was the Not-Me Ghost the whole time. He was even there that time when you were in high school and you got in trouble for smoking pot in the bathroom stall, because someone thought it’d be funny to pull the fire alarm and you ended up running through the school with your pants around your ankles. It was the Not-Me Ghost who pulled the alarm while you were dropping bombs, and you were scared and just forgot to pull up your pants… honest mistake really. So beware, the Not-Me Ghost is out there waiting, probably behind the wheel with a giant 40oz. of Colt 45.

Word of the Year Awards

And the award for word of the year goes to…. (drum roll)… Subprime! (cue cheesy award ceremony music). Thank you thank you! Gosh this is such a surprise… I never expected to win… I don’t even have a speech written. Well… I guess let me start off by thanking the academy, for giving me this opportunity to show the world. I’d also like to thank my family and friends for encouraging me to be all that I could be. Oh I also have to give thanks to God… Praise Jesus! For blessing me with such wonder letters. I ‘d also like to thank the other nominees, who are all awesome in their own right. Guys like Fo-shizzle and Da Hizzy. Thank you! I love you mom!

Robot Superhuman Selves

“We can rebuild him…” The coolest line ever! I mean how awesome is it that they were able to rebuild Lee Majors after a huge accident, and turn him into the six million dollar man! I mean in the 80’s that had to be a butt load of money, easily triple that in today’s standards. But is that really feesable? Not the rebuilding of a man from almost certain death into a cyborgish superhero secret agent, but the whole doing that on a six million dollar budget, or even 18 million. Think about it, Donald Trump can’t even buy a toupee that looks real and he’s got billions of dollars. But if it was possible, could you imagine how many freakish cyborg super humans there would be in the world with all the “I have way to much money to know what to do with” people we have. Hell, LA would be crawling with them, you’d have robot Brad Pitt’s walking robot Angelina’s kids down the street as robot Will Smith drives along with robot Jada Pinkett and their robot kids. So if we dream of having cyborg superhuman selves, then what do our dream beings dream of… electric sheep?

Stop the Tears!

Crying is completely unfair! Why is it that women can get away with crying about everything, but a man can't? It’s the most deadly tool in a female's arsenal of "weapons". I mean why can’t I get away with bawling my eyes out when I get pulled over for doing 30 over in a construction zone and get out of a ticket? Why is it that when I get into some verbal argument with the opposite sex that I can’t start to cry and instantly gain sympathy from her? It’s all really unfair if you ask me! Maybe it's because I don’t wear mascara that runs like the flooded Nile when I weep? Or maybe it’s because my teardrops don’t land gracefully upon my chest.